Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in randy111781's LiveJournal:

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Monday, April 21st, 2008
3:14 pm	Its been forever I don't really know why I ever stopped posting on here. I seem to remember it let me relieve some stress from these shoulders. The past month has been a real trying time for me. Between losing my apartment and roommate, life just seems extremely bleak. Living on my own, is lonely. I miss my cats, my roommate (even his bitching), and the people that stopped by nonstop at the old apartment. One top of this my Ex wife is keeping matthew from me and I am dont have the funds to do anything about it. Lawyers cost money. I have been thinking about an ex a lot lately, despite the fact I could never trust her at all I still loved her dearly. I do miss her like no other, Jessica D i hope you are happy. Ever wonder what is that makes the world go round? ever want to make it stop, grab a anchor and plunge to the bottom of the sea? Ill be back in a few, I am at work and my thoughts aren't allowed to flow freely on company time. (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 24th, 2007
1:06 am	Before Bed Myspace and Facebook has really helped me get back in touch with alot of my old friends. Not really to sure why I have had the urge to talk to people lately that I have not seen in so long. I had always just ended friendships without any form of communication. I feel i need closure or something. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 23rd, 2007
2:31 pm	DEMF DEMF To all you lame asses out there that might not know, the biggest party of the summer is here this weekend at the hart plaza. If you are going and are reading this you are welcome to join me at my house after for some good music and mello chillin. Current Mood: excited (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 27th, 2006
2:43 pm	ugh, So i feel like I basically live with Jessica, I cant remember the last night I spent at home. Seriously, like I am always there. I just hope that I am not wearing my stay, thin. (Comment on this)
Monday, September 25th, 2006
8:48 pm	Life So yeah, I lost my debit card a while back and I needed to get a new one. So my godaddy account kinda didnt get paid seeing that I had it pulling from my card number I reported stolen. Hence why my myspace and Jessica's myspace look like crap. So I am really debateing whether or not i need my hosted server, yeah it is really nice to be able to have a really fast internet connection but for the price it is not worth it to me. I am working on geting a make shift server in place, so that I can try to move away from my hosted server. Anyway enough about that. All day I have thought about nothing other than snuggling with Jessica. I miss her so much it hurts. She went to a hair show today I can't wait to hear all about it. I hope she had a good time. It is funny, to me that after spending the entire weekend next to her I still crave her. I long to smell her, to touch her, and most of all to kiss her. I am sure that the people that read this get tired of me saying how much i love her but i really do. She saved me from me. I can;t explain what that means but she did. I was in a bad place in my personal life when I met her and she turned me around like whoa. So yeah I think I got all the relevant data off of her PC and transferred to a Dell Laptop for her to use. I am in the process of setting it up for her. I'm out (Comment on this)
8:35 pm	Work So I have been learning a ton about Group Policy, and holy crap it is amazing what you can do with it. besides just locking down your environment you can use it to automate your life if your a sys admin. Also just found out that you can turn a XP Pro box into a Termainal Server, thats actually really neat. Although only limited to 3 conncurrent connections. I now have 2 desktop machines at work, I really only need one however I needed more monitor room so I got another PC, actually I got a Dell Power Edge SC430 ;-). (Comment on this)
1:15 am	How can someone that you have only known for 3 months become everything that you think about, everything you desire. When I look in her eyes, I see the world of hurt that she has known. If I could only take her pain and make it my own. I would die if it could take all the hurt she has known away. My heart breaks to think that anyone could have ever hurt such a wonderful person. I love you with my soul. I love you with my mind. I love you with my touch. I love you with my breath. I love you with my everything. I spent the past 3 months of my life falling deeper in love with her than I ever thought possible. I am going to marry her. I pray to the Lord that he helps make me the husband that I need to be for her. Jessica you are the love of my life. Current Mood: thankful (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 9th, 2006
10:50 pm	its been for ever I dont really know what to put in this thing. I really dont have the time to do this anymore seeing that I always updated while I was at work and all. Jessica and I are doing great. I fall more in love with her everyday. She is changing the way she acts around me and thats cool. I think that she is really in love with me. For the longest time I really wondered. So yeah. There has been so much since I last updated I dont think I could even start to fill it all in. I am getting an apartment in Westland across from the mall. Later. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 22nd, 2006
8:56 pm	flying- oh yeah I my way to Cali to do some work, bored out of my mind on this 4 hour and 20 minute flight. I haven't been to Cali in 12 years. When I get there I have to rent a car, I am hoping to get something nice, like a hummer or corvette. I love Semagic, its a nice little tool for updating live journal. The best part is that like now I am updating while at 38000 feet. When I get to Cali, I have to drive to Fontana and install a wireless access point in one building and then a bridge in another. Then behind the bridge I have to setup a switch with a print server and 3 PC connected to it. I am looking forward to being Cali even tho it is only for the day. I am really gonna miss Jessica while i am gone. She is gonna go hangout with her friend Robert. I have this sickness in the pit of my stomach and I don't know why. I dont know how else to show her how much I love her. Anywho, The other day I got a little agrragavated with Jessica because she was being distant and I didn't know why. Well I told her that I loved her and that i couldn't do this pouty crap anymore. Well she kinda lost it, even tho all the mean things she says to me, i really do think she is in love with me. I was looking online at the ticket prices that Spirit Air offers and they have some really good deals. I am thinking of buying some tickets for Jessica nad I to go somewhere, but i gotta do that before she goes back to school. I wonder if she gets winter break. lol anywho. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 16th, 2006
4:31 am	whatever Where do I start. I haven't been home since last Thursday night. I spent Friday at Jessica's, Saturday at her dad's, Sunday and Monday at Jessica's. I got to meet her Daddy, he lives in Niles. It was a long drive to Niles around 3 1/2 hours or so. Jessica drove most of the way and did a pretty good job. She needs to work on staying in between the lines, being able to not look at the road for a couple seconds and still staying in between the lines, looking over her should to see if she can change lanes, keeping a consistent speed, and using her side of the entrance into parking lots or store entrances. As of right now I would fail her on a driving test. But she is getting better. Her Dad seemed like a nice fellow. We talked about hos job and movies mostly. He has a lot of tattoos. He has a spider web on his elbow I liked that one. I wish we could have spent a little more time there. I promised him that I'd format his PC and put XP on it for him. But he has to get DSL first. Her step mom seemed really nice to me. Although she smokes way too much. I got to sleep with her in her bed at her Daddy's, i thought for sure i was gonna wake up with a gun in my face or something. Jessica introduced me to a really great radio station 103.9 THE BEAR. Which you can stream from their website or from media player if you read the HTML code and get this http://www.wrbr.com/WRBRStream/WRBRStream.asx link. LOL They play great music, best at night tho. Reminds me of old school 89x back when Phat Matt was on only on Sunday nights from 8-4am. Anyone with me on that? So we headed back on Sunday cause Jessica had more family coming into town. I drove the whole way. We got back to her house around 9pm. I helped her clean her room and whatnot before her family showed up. We went to rent benchwarmers. Her cousin, aunt and uncle showed up around 10ish. We went for a drive to Baskin Robins in Wixom, on the way they smoked down in the car. Ok, so when we actually got there it was a circus act. The people that work there are fucking morons. So we (Jessica and I) order our stuff and go to chill with her cuz and her cuz's friend. They taste the shake and decide that they want one. So Tim goes to order a shake, he waits like 5 minutes for the Guy to take his order. Then the guy makes the shake in the blender, goes to pour it in the cup, and drops the cup while pouring from the mixing container to the cup. So the shake goes splat on the floor. Then he proceeds to clean up the shake by dousing everything with water. After watching this circus act for another 10 minutes we couldn't take it anymore and decide to leave. On our way out Tim Let them all know that they could suck his dick. It was the funniest thing i had seen all day. Then we drove to the other BR in Canton. We went to the drive through and tried to order a shake their, we asked him to make it thick and he said it would be 2 dollars more for thick. I got pissed, how can it cost more for less milk? So after arguing with the gent I spit into the drive in window and drove away. I hate people from other counties. The next day I took them to hang out at my boy Jamie's house. We sat around the bonfire and drank some liquor, and smoked weed also. It had been like 3 weeks since the last time a smoked, I got high and all but I kinda am pissed cause now i got to start counting all over again. I hate smoking anymore cause I just feel lazy and cranky. I dont want to feel that way. Later that night I went down on Jessica and so orgasimed from my tongue. I was relieved to get her off that way, finally. Tuesday: After my long ass day at work - ugh later Current Mood: bitchy (Comment on this)
Monday, August 7th, 2006
3:57 pm	Been a while. Dont really know what to update here. I drove Jessica, Paul and Lindsay to Necto on saturday night in Jessica's car. I had a really good time while at Necto, I am normally not a big fan of clubs because guy are assholes, however I got to feed Jessica drinks. The best part was I got to kiss her everytime she wanted to drink. I love her so much. I could spend my life in her gaze. She got a little drunk then we walked to NYPD and got some really good pizza. On the way back to drop everyone off she put her head in my lap and I played with her back and hair. I dropped Linsay and Paul off and then proceeded to take Jessica home. Jessica's parents watched Matthew for me so that I could take Jessica to the club. When we got back they were passed out in the living room. Fred was sleeping on the floor and Patty was sleeping on the couch. Matthew was sleeping in his pack-n-play. It was kinda cute to see them sleeping so close to Matthew, I have never left him with anyone that wasnt family before. It was amazing how well he took to her parents. I am worried for Matthew, as to the fact that he is so little and all. I am in love with Jessica, but it worries me that she might change her mind about me. I am concerned about tht becasue Matthew seems to have taken to her and her parents rather fast. He still shy's away from my Mom, wierd. So anyway, I got to spend the whole weekend with Matthew and Jessica. She seems to do with so good with him, yet she seems to be worried about having to grow up. I am not asking her to grow up at all. But she will need to, because her life is starting to take off. Yay, I just got my divorce papers! It is almost over. Thank God. How do you some up all your feeling in the few hundred thousand words in the english language? I am not sure what is going on in my life, I am in love with an 18 year old, that has had a pretty rough life. Sometimes the stories she tells me scare me. She has put herself into some very comprimising situations and honestly is prolly very lucky to be alive. I look at her and see my future. I know that her past aint pretty and that she aint proud of it but none of this matters to me, all that matter to me is that I am here for her now. I don't know how to say it but I feel like I am good for her maybe even saving her from herself. I know I am good to her but I feel like I can make up for all the wrong everyone else has done to her. I dont care about the hurt in my life, but i do care about the hurt in hers. So doesnt deserve the things that have happened to her. She is all I think about. I have a son and a ex wife, but i see him very little. I wish this wasnt so hard for her, I am not asking her to be his mother, although I did joke about it with her over the weekend, and I think i scared her. I dont want her to have to grow up. I have never been as happy as i am with her. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 2nd, 2006
3:10 pm	Sleepy me Last night I went to Jessica's to hangout with her. Before I went there I stopped by the Jewlery store and picked up her ring that we had dropped off to get resized. I wanted to suprise her with it. I got there around 9 and went right downstairs to her. I kissed her and hugged her. I asked her to close her eyes, she said "No i don't trust you" How nice. But I know she didnt mean it. Those are the little things that tend to stick you the hardest. Anyway i put the ring on her finger. To me this meant more this time than the first time, because of the events ealier that day. JMD is all i have ever wanted. Just wish I would have found her earlier. Then I fell asleep on her, while she watched iRobot. I was so tired, I cant sleep at home like i can with her. (Comment on this)
3:10 pm	Ugh I am feeling bad. I have been with Jessica Dokey for almost two months now. I am so in love with her. But yesterday my ex wife called and was talking to me, well in the middle of our conversation I started to tear up. Why woud I have tear'd up. After all she has made it clear she doesnt want me in her life so why did i feel what I felt? Maybe I felt that way because for 5 years she is all i knew. She is all I had. She was my rock. I thought that I was completely over her but maybe i am not. I dont wish to get back with her, I just wish this pain would go away. I am looking forward to a future with JMD. She is everything to me. And the fact that I can tell her my feelings is awesome. Most people would prolly run. I need her in my life. The best part is that we are friends above all else. Friendship is key i think to making something last like this. I love you Jessica M.D. with all my soul, I want to spend my life in your heart, and with you in my arms. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 1st, 2006
5:54 pm	Life So yeah, not really sure what to post in here today. I got a call at 9 am from my ex saying that she needs money. Go figure. It seems that she told my Dad that i hadnt been paying daycare and whatknot. Then she started to moan about fucking money. And how she cant afford to pay her rent and how she needs breaks. Its amazing how she tends to think these are my problems. I tried to be everything for her despite all the bullshit and it ws never enough and she thinks I am just gonna help her out. Bitch please. So I told jessica about all this and she told me that she didnt want to know about anything that happens between her and I. That kinda hurt me. I mean, isnt she supposed to want to know? She is part of my life now and my life is an open book to her. Its not like I care about my ex anymore, but she is the mother of my baby and that will never change. I can see how hard all this must be on Jessica. Jessica and I were talking on AIM and she said that she didnt want to feel anymore. She was think of her grandma and i think that is why she said this. But I cant be with someone that doesnt feel. Her and I have made such progress over the past few weeks that I would die if she was to close herself in again. done for now. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, July 28th, 2006
1:29 pm	Ugh Over the past couple days I have been having a little battle with some kind of head cold. Like I feel fine, but I have been having this pounding in my head and it makes it so that I can barly open my eye. I normally can fight through this kind of crap but it has been unbarable. I took some perscription pills my mom gave me, AlkaSeltzer, Motrin, and Claritin. It seems to be going away when I take all those pills but I feel out of it when I do. Like I can function but I feel sleepy and I seem to lose my sex drive. I have been fighting this for like 4 days. I hate doctors but if it doesnt go away I am gonna have to go to one. I spent the night with Jessica last night. Normally I sleep like a baby next to her. But I didnt last night because my head hurt so badly. I am work now and I feel a little better but still out of it. I cant wait to go home and be with her tonight. 2 nights ago when I was with her, she complained about me scruffy face, so I went to my car to find a razor so that I could shave. While I was looking I found a ciggerate pack with some roaches in it. I thought to myself "sweet all hit those on my way home". Well later when I left I dug out that pack and pulled out a roach, I started to light it and I couldnt do it, I threw the pack out the window. I am really amazed at myself. The fact that I could be true to myself is awesome. I have turned over a new leaf, weed is a thing of my past. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 26th, 2006
8:50 pm	None yesterday jessica and I went to meijer and bought a couple puzzles and some posterboard. I am really looking forward to doing these puzzles with her because I think it will be good for our relationship to be able to find things that we enjoy doing together. We hang out everyday, and get along great. I think that this relationship is going to last a lifetime. However I do know that things happen and people get bored, I hope that we can find whatever it is that we need to make this last. I hate to say it, but I all my life I have wanted to have a wife and family. Maybe I am just a romantic or something. But I see how my parents are and how in love they are after 20 years and I want that in my life. I want to grow old with her, and her with I. I know that there are going to be rough times but I think as long as we build a solid foundation to stand on that we will be able to weather them. I think back to my relationship with my ex-wife and I realize that we really had nothing in common and I think that might have had a part in why we didnt work. Jessica and I watched Sweet Home Alabama last night, well i watched it and she fell asleep on my lap. And for some reason I lost it toward the end of that movie. I am not sure completely why, but part of me thinks that I realated to the husband in that movie when he said "She married some looser striaght out of high school and got pregnant." I feel that maybe I wasn't the man I needed to be for my Ex, and I started to fear losing Jessica. I don't want to be some looser to her (I know i am not). I am glad that I have a career now, and that I have a promising future with the career that I am in. I have learned alot from my past I know what I need to do now. I really love her, and I am starting to realize that as mature as I am I have alot of growing up to do. A husband is supposed to provide for his family, be the rock in the home. I need to really wake up and grow up. I have friends that say "your still a kid", but I aint and I realize that more and more. Kids dont have bills and responablities. I hate that when people say that, because I do everything for myself. Anywho - PEACE I'M OUT (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, July 20th, 2006
3:01 pm	Nothing really just more bable So I got these old servers sitting on my desk here at work, although they are old they are still nice machines. I took one and I am using it for the helpdesk as a Terminal Server/Sharepoint Box. They have Dual PIII Xeons with 1GB RAM and a 17GBx4 RAID5 OS drive. I am trying to see if I cant gaffle one from the powers that be. I meen they aint the best in the world but damn nice for FREE. Although they do sound like a jet taking off when they start. My laptop needs to be reinstalled too, but I dont really wanna take the time to do that since Jessica is using it becasue her power completely died on hers. I need to get her a desktop to use for a while. (Comment on this)
3:01 pm	life So Jessica came back early, she said that she wanted to be with me and thats why she came back early. I love her so much. I have gotten to sleep with her for the past 2 days and Ill get to for the next 3 days as well. I am so content with her in my arms, I feel like that I have been looking for her for a long time. I am still working on the trust issues that I have but, its not a big deal. Even tho I know of her past I still believe her and trust her. Like today she when out with a bunch of friends to lunch and what not, I know that it was prolly some exs, but i dont care. I just hope that if something dumb happens that she just tells me the truth. I treat her so good, and I ask her to never cheat on me and she say that she won't unless I deserve it. I don't care for that answer. I will never deserve to be cheated on, she is my Godess and I want to spend my life with her. As soon as I am offically divorced I plan on marrying her. I know that she is the only girl I wanna be with for ever. She is everything I ever wanted in a wife. On another note I am here at work and I am feeling like crap. I slept on the floor in florida the other night and I seem to have caught a little cold. I am scared, i dont wanna give Jessica my cold, but I cant go without her. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 18th, 2006
1:46 am	yeah Staying at Jessica's again. I am about to fall asleep in her bed again. I cant think about anything but having her here in my arms. (Comment on this)
Monday, July 17th, 2006
5:00 am	traveled alot in a couple days Well, I don't really know what to say here. Its been a long weekend. I have been to florida and back since saturday. I flew down to see my girl while she was on vacation with her family. I didn't expect to do that, I just really wanted to see her and let her know that i am crazy in love with her. And that no matter what the past may have held she is all I see in my future. Those are big words really- I mean think about it. She is hurt over the fact that I am married and getting a divorce(i have already signed the papers), I understand that but I was honest from the start. I am getting a divorce and all that, but I cant make it go any faster. I do plan to marry this girl. However, just because I can't because of legal reasons doesnt mean that I dont love her. I am a little depressed that this bothers her so much. My actions screem I love her. Why is it so hard. Something that has been kinda happening to me latly is that I have been getting kinda wet in the eyes like gonna cry. I am not even sure why. I just start to think of losing her and I get all stuffy. Its hard to explain. I fear losing her. While in florida we went to the beach, played in the sand, shopped, and I got some really good kisses some of the best yet. I met most of her step dad's family even tho I didnt really get to convesate with them. I was put to work on the computer while I was there(go figure). I did have a really good time with my girl while I was there I wish I could have stayed until she comes home. I bought a wirless G router while there and her uncle I think stole it(kinda he under paid her back). Now I need to get her one for her home. Oh - before I forget. I met a 12 year old girl on the plane back from FL. She was flying alone and sitting next to me. I tryed to fall asleep but I couldn't do that. So sitting there kinda bored with an hour and half of flight I decided to talk to this 12 year old girl. The only relative information that came from this conversation was that her mom was only 25. Do that math. I mean yeah. Thats crazy. I could not even emagine having a 12 year old this young in life. Forget that. Goodnight Randy PS I got pics... Current Mood: restless (1 Comment |Comment on this)